


Loose Lips Sink Ships

by bodybroke



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-29 19:09:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1009000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodybroke/pseuds/bodybroke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brittany doesn't appreciate the way Santana has been talking about her. Set after Tina In the Sky With Diamonds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loose Lips Sink Ships

**Author's Note:**

> I mostly wrote this for myself, in an attempt to try to make some of that mess make sense to me. It deals directly with Santana's bi-phobia and why she might have said such a thing, as well as how it would make Brittany feel if she knew about it. I might be a tad harsh on Santana in the beginning, but it's not trying to villainize her, but get her to a place where she'd have a better understanding of why what she said wasn't cool/why she'd say it in the first place. In true Glee fashion, it's basically an afterschool special with a Very Special Message about biphobia, but go with it.

Santana is just finishing serving a customer their food when she feels her phone vibrating in her pocket. She's already gotten in trouble twice for texting during her shift, but when she sees it's from Brittany, she can't bring herself to ignore it. Slipping behind the counter to hide her phone from view, she clicks her screen to get to the message.

**I'm mad at you :(**

Furrowing her brow, Santana quickly types back.

**What? Why?**

She glances up just as Dani passes by with someone's order, and the girl sends her a flirtatious smile. She returns it, but immediately feels guilty about it, though she can't pin point exactly why.

**Can u get on skype?**

Her and Brittany had agreed to Skype at least once a week after the blonde left for MIT, and while they've kept it up so far, the conversations have already started to get shorter. Whatever it is that Brittany's doing at MIT starts taking up more of her time, and with her job and new relationship with Dani, Santana hasn't had as much time either.

**At work rn. Later?**

She gets a response immediately and can picture the pout on Brittany's face easily.

**Fine.**

She knows Brittany is obviously still upset with her, but she still has no idea why. It could be anything. Knowing Brittany, she probably forgot Lord Tubbington's birthday or something (she knows she didn't though, because she knows his birthday is in November). She doesn't have much time to dwell on it as a new group of customers come flooding in for the lunch rush and she has to get back to work.

 

Santana gets home later than usual that night after going out with Rachel and Dani after their shift. Things with Dani were weirdly tense after her short text conversation with Brittany, and when her girlfriend asked if she wanted to come back to her place for the night, she declined. They haven't taken that step yet and she wasn't about to do it while she had Brittany on the brain.

She ended up telling her she felt sick and left her with Rachel for the evening, taking advantage of one of the rare times she has to the loft to herself to talk to Brittany. Quickly changing out of her work uniform, Santana slips into something more comfortable and plops down on the couch with her laptop, signing into Skype and finding Brittany is waiting for her.

She clicks the blonde's name and can't help but smile when her face lights up the screen. She also can't have but notice Brittany doesn't return that smile. "Hey, Britt, what's up?"

Brittany's eyes narrow at the sight of her and she cuts right to the chase. "I heard what you said about me."

"Huh?" Santana quickly runs through her mind to try to figure out what on earth Brittany is talking about, but comes up blank. "What are you talking about?"

"Tina told me what you said about me and other people like me."

"Wha-?" It takes Santana a second to understand what 'people like Brittany' meant, but as soon as she does she knows exactly what Brittany is talking about. "Wait, what, how does Tina even know about that?'

Brittany bypasses the question entirely, because really, she doesn't know either. Tina just always randomly seems to know things and makes sure everyone else knows it exactly when she wants them to. "How could you say that, Santana?"

"Look, if this is about me dating Dani, I've been meaning to tell you, it's just never come up." It's a bullshit excuse because she's talked to Brittany twice since she got together with Dani, but she couldn't bring herself to tell the blonde, and she can't even decide if she's obligated to, either. Brittany didn't tell her about Sam, though to be fair, she kind of gets why she didn't now that she's in her position. It's a really hard topic to broach, especially when things are already weird and strained between them.

"I don't care who you date, Santana," Brittany corrects her, rolling her eyes.

"You don't?" Santana asks, sounding more than a little disappointed.

"Of course I do," Brittany admits with a sigh. She hates the thought of Santana with some other girl, but that's not why she's mad. "I'll always care, but this isn't about that right now. This is about what you said. Is that really what you think of me?"

"I don't…" Santana shifts in her seat, struggling to find something to justify her flippant words. "Britt, I was just running my mouth, I-"

"Is that really what you think of me?" Brittany repeats, the anger in her voice slowly morphing into hurt. Santana feels her stomach tighten at the sound, she hates that voice. "Did you really spend the entire time we were together worried that I was going to cheat on you with some guy?" Brittany's voice cracks at the end of her question, and her lip starts to give that familiar tremble that breaks Santana's heart. "Do you really think that little of me?"

Santana doesn't know what to say. "Britt…"

"Did I ever do anything to make you think that I'd do that?" She's starting to sound desperate and Santana is starting to panic, worried Brittany will start to cry because of her, and worst of all, she won't even be able to hold her until she stops.

"No, Britt, I was just…"

"Because I have only cheated once in my life," Brittany reminds her. "And it was _with_ you."

Santana cringes, remembering that not so shining time in her life. "I know that, Britt."

"I can't believe you, San," Brittany huffs, wiping roughly at her eyes when she feels tears starting to form. She wants to be angry, not sad. Santana deserves her anger. "I would have _never_ done that. How could you say that?"

Feeling attacked and defensive, Santana lashes out, trying to justify herself, even though she knows she's wrong. "You dated Sam!"

"After _you_ broke up with me," the blonde immediately rebuffs, obviously expecting that exact argument. " _I_ didn't leave you for Sam, you left me for reasons I still don't understand. And I didn't date Sam because he's a guy. I really thought you knew me better than that. I don't care if a person has guy or girl parts, I care about who they are." Pausing to collect herself, Brittany sucks in a shaky breath. Her eyes drift off to the side for a moment before she looks back at Santana. "You wanna know why I started dating Sam?"

Santana snarls, bristling at the question, the blonde still an incredibly sore subject for her. "No, not really."

"I started dating him because he got me," Brittany tells her anyway. It's something she desperately needs Santana to know and understand. "Not as well as you did, or at least I _thought_ you did, but he understood better than most other people. And it made me feel less alone." Brittany shrugs, as if it's that simple and Santana clenches her laptop, her knuckles going white as she listens. "For years, you were the only person that really understood me. You accepted me and never made fun of me and used your vicious words against anyone that did." Brittany smiles sadly as she remembers those days, and it makes Santana want to cry a little bit because she felt the exact same about Brittany. "But then you left, and I didn't just lose my girlfriend or even my best friend, I felt like I lost my sanity. I only ever made sense to you, and then you were gone and nobody got me. That week they did Britney again, I felt crazy. I was screaming in a room full of people and nobody could hear me because you were always the only one that ever did. I thought if I screamed loud enough, maybe you'd be able to hear me. It was like that every day without you." Brittany swallows passed the lump in her throat as she tries to continue, but Santana can see she's struggling to keep it together. "But then Sam heard me. He got what I was doing and it was nice. I was nice to have someone that understood me again. I had fun with him, and we did silly things that nobody else would do with me. I felt a little bit like myself again." Finishing her explanation, Brittany looks straight at her camera, making sure Santana hears her point. "I liked him for his brain, not any other part of him."

As much as it pains her to hear, Santana gets it. She hates that Brittany was ever with Sam, but she understands why she was a little bit better now, and yet she can't let it go. "You still choose him over me."

"You weren't an option!" Brittany exclaims in frustration, clearly anticipating that argument too. Santana starts to wonder if Brittany practiced this conversation before she signed on. "You broke up with me and I tried, I _tried_ to get back together with you when you came back for Grease, but you just told me it was okay to date someone else. But then you came back home with razor blades flying when you found out that I was." Brittany pauses for a moment, her face softening as she considers what she's going to say next. She shakes her head, and just like that her frustration is gone as quickly as it came. "And I don't blame you for that, I don't. Because when Tina told me you were dating someone new I felt so sad, like Lord Tubbington just died or something. But what was I supposed to do, San?"

"Break up with him!" Santana tells her like it's obvious.

"Why? Because you said so?" the blonde argues back, shaking her head again. "If I came to surprise you in New York and told you to dump Dani right now, would you?"

Santana swallows her immediate response, slumping back against the couch as she thinks about Brittany's question. Her answer is obvious. "That's not the same."

"It is the same," Brittany insists. "You broke up with me and then didn't come back until you heard I might be moving on and then told me to dump Sam just because you didn't like it. And then what would've happened if I did? I'd just be alone and crazy again."

"I would have stayed," Santana cries out, her voice breaking as she answers. She has been trying so hard to keep it together, but damn it, this hurts all over again. "Sue gave me that coaching offer, I told you. I would have stayed for you, Britt, and we could've gotten back together."

"Yeah, like that would have worked out for us," Brittany scoffs, her blonde hair waving as she shakes her head yet again. "You hated it in Lima, San. I know that, because I know you. You always wanted to get out as soon as you could. I wasn't gonna let you go back there, not because you were too scared to go to New York and especially not for me. You weren't an option, Santana, not really. Not then, and you know it."

Santana does know it. She knows she was being ridiculous when she went back to Lima with guns blazing, throwing around threats and making demands. But she felt like she was losing Brittany for good, and she couldn't let that happen without trying to fix it, lost cause or not. "And if I was an option?"

"I would've picked you in a heartbeat, Santana." Brittany's mad at her, but she never wants the other girl to doubt that, not ever. "Any chance I get, I always will. You have to know that."

"Maybe I don't," Santana shrugs, and she's not sure if she's lying or not. Part of her does know it, knows it through everything Brittany has ever done for her, but there's another part of her that will always doubt it. "I mean, Artie…"

"Really, Santana?" Brittany sighs, but she expected that, too. "You're gonna throw that in my face?"

"Well, you did choose him over me!" she whines petulantly, the biggest moment of her life replaying over in her head like a car crash. "You can't say you didn't!"

Brittany groans and tugs at her hair, tired of having this conversation over and over again. "I did, but not because he was a _guy_! God, Santana, do you even remember how many times _you_ chose guys over me?" That shuts Santana up quickly, and she has to look away in shame. "I spent years, _years_ , of you ditching me for Puck or Matt or whoever was the newest cool guy at school. Do you know how many times you told me that what we did meant nothing? That time you _literally_ told me that I was nothing but a warm body while Puck was in juvie?"

As much as she wishes she could forget it, of course Santana remembers. "I-I was scared, you know I didn't mean any of that."

"I do now, but I didn't know that then," Brittany tells her, running a hand through her hair. "I thought so, I _hoped_ so, but I never _knew_. You never gave me a reason to." Pulling on her sleeve, Brittany says what she's said a hundred times over by now. "That day at the lockers, you said everything I always dreamed you would say, but I was scared, too. I wanted to believe you, and I did, I did believe that you felt all of that, but I knew how scared you still were. You looked so terrified, San, and I-I didn't trust you not to take it back. For the first time since I had met you, I put my own heart first. I broke your heart because I didn't trust you not to break mine." She cringes as she remembers Santana's pained look that day, the way her tear stained face scrunched up in confusion when Brittany mentioned her boyfriend. "And maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I didn't want to break up with Artie only for you to run away like you did all those times before and leave me with nothing. I'm sorry for that, I've said I was sorry for that, and I've told you all this before, so you can't tell me that's why you said what you said, I don't believe that, I don't accept it. _Why?_ "

"I don't, I don't know, I was just…" There's a lump in Santana's throat, and she can't get passed it. She desperately tries to come up with some reason for why she said what she did, but she honestly doesn't know. What she said wasn't true, she knows that, she knew it then and she knows it now, so she doesn't know why she even said it. "God, I don't know, Britt, I was just talking, it wasn't a big deal."

"It _is_ a big deal, Santana!" Brittany cries, her tears finally winning out and sliding down her rosy cheeks. "That's what you think of me! Of our relationship! That's a _big_ deal to me. It breaks my heart that you think that of me." Brittany's breath catches as she tries to control her crying. She takes a minute and just looks at Santana with the most heartbreaking face. "And if you don't think that's a big deal, then I guess I know you as little as you obviously know me."

"Britt-" Santana tries, but there's nothing she can say.

"Forget it, Santana," the blonde mumbles, shaking her head in disappointment and dropping her gaze. "Just-Just forget it."

"No, Britt, I'm sorry, I-"

"I gotta go," Brittany cuts her off, her hand coming into view on the screen as she moves to disconnect. "You know, lots of penises to get to."

And before Santana can even try to protest again, the blonde is gone, and her blank screen is mocking her.

 

Santana feels like shit.

Actually, she feels like shit run over twice, to be exact. She tries to call Brittany at least ten times over the next few days, but the blonde does a spectacular job ignoring her calls. She, however, does a slightly less good job ignoring her girlfriend, and she can tell Dani is starting to get annoyed at constantly being brushed off. She can't help it, though. She can't bring herself to be around the girl when she knows how horrible she's made Brittany feel at least partially because of her.

After a particularly shitty day at work and having three calls ignored, Santana finally breaks down and approaches Rachel. "Hey, Berry, can I get your advice about something?"

Rachel looks up from the playbill she's currently engrossed in and gives her roommate a suspicious look. "You're asking for _my_ advice?"

"Yeah, but don't let it go to your head," Santana shoots back, taking a seat on the couch beside the other girl. "Your ego can barely fit in the loft as it is."

Rachel rolls her eyes. "You are not off to a great start, Santana."

"I talked to Brittany the other day," Santana tells her, getting right to it. "And she was really upset with me."

"About Dani?"

"No." She pauses, considers. "Well, kind of, but not really. Apparently Tina somehow found out about what I said and told her, and she was really hurt."

Like Santana, Rachel has a bit of trouble pin pointing exactly what she's referring to. "What did you say again?"

"The whole straying for penis thing," she answers lowly, feeling ashamed to even repeat her words after her conversation with Brittany.

"Ah, yes," Rachel recalls, recognition flashing in her eyes. She makes a clicking sound with her tongue and nods her head sagely. "Well, to be honest with you, Santana, I can't say I blame her."

"Really?"

"You know I'm happy for you and Dani," Rachel is quick to assure. "But yes, I do think what you said was very problematic. I may be straight, but growing up with two gay dads, I am quite well versed in all aspects of the LGBQT struggles, and what you said was extremely offensive to bisexuals, especially considering you said it in reference to Brittany specifically." Rachel can see the guilt on Santana's face plain as day and tries to ease up a bit. "Did you really spend the duration of your relationship worrying about Brittany cheating on you with a boy?"

"No," Santana admits. "Brittany wouldn't cheat on me, I know that, I guess I just…" She groans, still not knowing what the hell her problem is. "Fuck, I don't know why I said that. I was just mouthing off, I didn't mean it."

"Didn't you?" Rachel challenges in that annoying way of her's. "I've known you for a few years, Santana, and while I'd like to think you don't really mean every rude thing you say to people, I must say, I've never heard you say such things to or about Brittany. And I would think you of all people would understand how much it hurts to have your sexuality insulted or trivialized. How would you feel if you found out that Brittany was belittling your sexuality?"

Despite agonizing over it for days, Santana never really thought of it like that. She knew she offended _Brittany_ by implying those things, but she hadn't really given it thought that she was insulting her in that way. "I didn't-"

"That's exactly what you did," Rachel cuts her off. She shifts in her seat so she's facing the other girl, and Santana immediately knows she's in for a lecture. "You perpetuated the stereotype that bisexual people are promiscuous and can't be trusted not to cheat. That just because Brittany is attracted to both men and women, that she's somehow more likely to cheat on you than Dani would be, which is quite ridiculous because let me tell you, Santana, everyone cheats. Or everyone has the ability to cheat, at least. Do you really think Dani is somehow more likely to stay faithful to you just because she's only attracted to women? Do you not think lesbians cheat?"

"No, but I mean, it's one less gender to worry about," Santana mumbles, knowing her defense is pathetic.

Rachel scoffs. "This is New York, Santana. There are plenty of available lesbians out there for Dani to sleep with if she wanted to." Shaking her head, Rachel slaps Santana's thigh lightly with the playbill in her hand. "Cheating has nothing to do with a person's orientation. Need I remind you that Blaine cheated on Kurt with another boy not too long ago?"

"I know. I know, okay?" Santana relents. There's nothing she hates more than getting told off by Rachel Berry. "I said a really shitty thing, I shouldn't have."

"It's not even that you said it," the smaller girl throws out there. "I'm sure Brittany of all people is well aware of your tendency to shoot off at the mouth. No, it's that you actually thought it. Your attitude towards bisexuals is very problematic, and I would suggest you do some research on the matter in order to gain a much needed new perspective, especially if you hope to mend fences with Brittany, which I assume you do."

Santana immediately nods her head. "Of course I do."

"Then educate yourself, Santana," Rachel orders, flipping her playbill back open to the spot she left off with, finished with this conversation. "You need it."

 

And Santana does. She does a lot of research. She searches a lot of the websites she went to when she first started questioning her sexuality, and then went back to when she started to embrace it. She comes across a lot of negative opinions at first, and finds herself reading a lot of people saying the same things she had said about Brittany not too long ago. People answering the question of 'would you date a bisexual girl?' with slightly different versions of what was essentially, 'no, they're sluts' and as she reads her own words back, they sound so harsh and _wrong_ and she can't believe she ever said that about Brittany.

Dating Brittany was the most amazing experience of her life. Even with all the struggles she went through, every bit of it had been worth it when she was with Brittany. Bisexual or not, Brittany was Brittany, the most amazing girl in the world, as far as Santana was concerned, and the idea that she might have missed out on that if she had been this ignorant, breaks her heart.

She can't resist typing out her own opinion on the matter, sharing her amazing experience with Brittany with these jaded girls, and then quickly moves on, looking for more neutral information. She comes across something called the Kinsey Scale, and it's actually a fascinating idea and something she knows she has to share with Brittany after they work things out. She also emails Quinn a link to the site, a little bit seriously, but mostly just to annoy her.

Then she finds a blog by a bisexual girl that lives in California. It's kind of a catch all for all kinds of social justice issues that Santana isn't really looking for, but she skims through it to find the personal posts about her sexuality, and reads all about the typical things she has to deal with as someone who identifies as bisexual: how people tell her that her sexuality doesn't exist, how she feels like she doesn't belong to either community because they both think she's fooling herself, how she feels like she has to date a certain number of girls to keep her gay card because lesbians are cool to her as long as she's dating a girl, but if she dates a guy, they all think she's given into society's pressure to be straight and kick her out of the club.

That one hits the hardest for Santana because she knows that's exactly what she did to Brittany. And she knows that it wasn't only unfair, but it was totally ridiculous too, because she's never met a person more fluid and open about their sexuality than Brittany. Brittany was right, she isn't attracted to a person's gender, she's just attracted to the person and Santana knows that.

She spends a whole night reading through this girl's blog, and she finds herself wondering if Brittany has experienced everything she has, if she's ever told a guy she was bisexual and was immediately propositioned for a threesome, or if her parents just assume she's going to end up with a guy when all is said and done. She realizes she has no idea. She has no idea because she's never asked, she's always just assumed Brittany was okay with everything because she was Brittany. It had always been about Santana, about her denial, her gay panic, her fears, her coming out, her struggle for acceptance, her, her, her, her.

She doesn't even get through the whole blog before she's calling her manager and booking the next day off. She now feels like shit run over about a hundred times, and she needs to make this up to Brittany right away, and it needs to be in person.

Completely ignoring the three texts she received from Dani earlier, Santana looks up times for trains into Boston.

 

Brittany is in the middle of emailing her mother when she hears a knock on her apartment door. She lives alone with Lord Tubbington in a small apartment just off campus, something the school set up for her, and she doesn't get a lot of visitors. At least not ones she's not expecting.

"It's okay, Tubbs, it's probably just a neighbor coming to borrow something," she reassures her cat, petting him on the head as she passes him and makes her way to the door. When she opens it, she doesn't find the quiet girl that lives next door, but just about the last person she expected to see. "Santana?"

"I'm an asshole," Santana blurts out the second she sees Brittany. The blonde looks taken aback for a moment, but quickly pulls her inside. "I'm an asshole," she repeats once she's inside the tiny apartment, really needing Brittany to know just how much she means that.

Brittany can't help but crack a little bit of a smile, even though she's still mad at her. "Did you come all the way here just to say that?"

"You weren't answering my calls," Santana shrugs, wringing her hands in front of her nervously.

Brittany nods, knowing that's true. She has been avoiding Santana's calls, but she's just been so hurt and confused that she didn't think she could handle another conversation with her so soon. But now, she obviously doesn't have a choice. "Well, come in then, we can talk on the couch."

Santana lets herself be pulled into the small living room, and she'll deny it to her dying day, but the second she spots Lord Tubbington curled up on the chair, a huge smile breaks out on her face. "I forgot you brought Tubbs with you."

"Of course, I could never leave home without him," Brittany answers, moving her laptop out of the way so she can sit back down at the end of the couch, motioning for Santana to have a seat on the other end. "I think Boston's been good for him, he's quit smoking and even lost a bit of weight. And I don't think the gangs around here are very open to outsiders."

"Good for Tubbs," Santana smiles, watching the cat fondly for a moment before the mood in the room shifts back to awkward. Turning in her seat, Santana faces Brittany. "Look, I was a complete asshole to you, Brittany, I was. I can't believe I said those things about you, let alone thought them. I'm so, so sorry. I was…"

"An asshole?" Brittany finishes for her with a small smile, letting her know she's joking. She's been so angry at Santana, but there's something about the girl sitting across from her that makes it impossible to be angry at. "You're not an asshole, San. You were just… What were you? Why did you even think that?"

Santana's thought a lot about this over the last few days, and she thinks she finally understands. "I was hurt still, and angry. A lot more than I thought I was. I thought I was over it, but I wasn't." Despite the temptation to look away, Santana holds Brittany's gaze as she admits, "I'm not over it. Seeing you with Sam, I'm not over it."

"Is it really because he's a guy?" Brittany asks tentatively, appreciating Santana's honesty. "Would it have hurt less if it was a girl?"

"I don't know, maybe?" Santana has asked herself this a few times since their last conversation, but she's not entire sure. It definitely would've still torn her apart inside, but she's pretty sure it would've been better. "It just, you know better than anyone how much shit I went through to come out, all the pain and fear I had to push aside to even admit to myself that I was gay." Santana takes a minute, collecting herself so she doesn't start to cry. "We had to fight so fucking hard, Britt. _I_ had to fight so hard to get you. I had to fight my fears, I had to fight my anger, I had to fight Artie, and Finn and my abuela and everyone that looked at me differently just because I liked girls. But I did it, and as much as I know I should say that I did it for myself, I'd be a liar. We both know the main reason I did it was for you, to be with you." Brittany can feel that familiar tingling in her throat, and she sniffles, remembering all that pain Santana endured for them, how brave she was, like it was yesterday. "And then it just all went to shit. All that pain and suffering was for nothing because I was an idiot and I broke up with you, and then barely two months later, Sam just swoops in with his gigantic mouth and his _dick_ , and he gets to have you, just like that? And you get to be this perfect, blonde, hetero couple that everyone fawns over. Meanwhile, the best I could get was a forgettable college experiment with Quinn's fifth personality."

"Wait, what?"

Realizing Brittany doesn't know about that, Santana quickly forges on. "It's just, it was so easy for you guys to get together, but Dani is the first real dating option I've had since we've broken up and it's just not fair. It's always going to be this hard for me, and it just pisses me off."

Brittany gets that, she really, really does, but that doesn't warrant what Santana's said or make it true. "But that's not my fault, or his. I didn't date him because it was easier. You know I don't let stuff like that run my life."

"I know that now," Santana nods sadly, bowing her head for a moment before she looks back up at Brittany. "And I knew it then too, but I was still just so pissed at everything. At you, at Sam, at myself, at the world. It'd been so long since I felt that angry, and I guess it hasn't gone away. I thought it did, I really really did, but I guess it never really does. Maybe I'll always see a guy and a girl together and I'll just resent how easy they have it, I don't know. And when that guy and girl was Sam and _you_ , after everything that _I_ had to go through to be with you, yeah, it hurt in a way that you and another girl wouldn't have. And I just meant that at least with Dani, when we break up, I don't have to worry about seeing her with a guy and feeling all of that anger again."

Brittany nods, accepting Santana's answer. She gets it now. "I don't have it easy either, you know?" Brittany says after a moment, ducking her head a bit to try to catch Santana's gaze. "Just because I like guys too, doesn't mean I have it easy."

Santana nods again, knowing that clearer than ever now. "You know, I think deep down, I always thought you did. I was always so jealous of how easy it seemed for you, and not even just because guys were still an option for you. You were just Brittany, you liked guys and you liked girls, and nobody really questioned it. You just… you were. You weren't afraid of what it meant, or what people thought of you, and I admired that, don't get me wrong. It's one of the things I love about you. But I was also really fucking jealous of it. Still am." She always wished she was as comfortable with myself as Brittany was, she actually kind of thought she was for a bit, but after meeting Dani, she realized she wasn't as confident in her lady loving ways as she thought she was. It was nice to meet someone who goes through the same things as she does, but it was also kind of intimidating, which was a new feeling for Santana.

"It wasn't easy for me either, San. It still isn't. I just hide it well," Brittany admits, for pretty much the first time. It was hard for her, but she knew Santana always had it worse, so she pushed her own stuff aside to help her best friend deal with her's, and she doesn't regret it for a second. She doesn't even want to imagine where Santana would be if she hadn't helped her. "And maybe I don't go through the exact same things you do, but it's not like the world exactly welcomes bicorns, either. We don't really belong in either world. I'm not straight, but I'm not a 'real lesbian' either, so where does that leave me?" Brittany shrugs, biting her lip, not used to sharing this kind of stuff with anyone. "It's hard. You know, guys always think it means I want to have threesomes with them, and a lot of girls won't even go on a date with me because they think I'm just experimenting or I'll _stray for penis_."

"God, I'm such an idiot," Santana cringes, burying her face in her hands. "It sounds so fucking awful when you put it like that." Letting out a groan, she pulls back and looks at Brittany with heartbreaking sincerity. "I'm really, really sorry, Britt. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. I didn't think that then, and I don't think that now. I was just angry and hurt and trying not to be and when I'm angry-"

"You lash out, I know." Brittany can't help but smile at the surprised look on Santana's face. She shuffles closer on the couch and tugs on Santana's arm, encouraging her to do the same. Once they're pressed together, she continues. "I know you, San, remember? Better than anyone."

"Better than me," Santana agrees, dropping her head on Brittany's shoulder and letting out a sigh. She knows she's been forgiven, and it's like this huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders and she can breathe again. They sit in silence for a moment, just enjoying the feeling of being close to one another again, and Santana is suddenly hit with a realization she should've already known. She sucks in a shaky breath and tilts her head up to gaze at the blonde. "This isn't over, is it? Us?"

A small, knowing smile slowly spreads across Brittany's lips before she cranes her neck to look down at the other girl. "Come on, don't make me quote the Notebook. You know the answer to that." Santana feels all the air leave her lungs, but she finds herself smiling back, and then slowly leaning up until her nose is brushing against Brittany's. She rubs them together in an eskimo kiss before she tilts back to go in for a real one. "Don't," Brittany's voice stops her in her tracks, her breath warm against her lips. They freeze for a moment until Brittany reluctantly pulls back and shakes her head. "Don't do that to Dani, or to me, not after all this. We both deserve better than that, and so do you."

Santana squeezes her eyes shut and drops her head. She knows Brittany is right, but _God_ does she wish she wasn't. "But I miss you so much, Britt. It was easier when I was mad at you. When I admit how much I miss you, I just, I fall apart." At the core of it, she thinks that's really what this has all been about. It's always been so much easier for her to be angry than to be honest.

"Learn not to," is the only advice Brittany can give. "It's hard, I still haven't figured it out myself, but it gets easier." She takes a moment and forces herself to finish her thought. "It helps if you have someone to help you, someone who gets you, like I did with Sam."

"Dani," Santana breathes, knowing what she's getting at. She feels bad for ignoring the girl lately, for being so preoccupied with her ex-girlfriend, and feeling so completely at home with her right now. "She's great, Britt, she is. She's pretty and funny, we have a lot of fun, and she gets it, but…" She trails off, struggling to find the right words to explain what's been missing since the beginning. Her eyes reach Brittany, and suddenly it's simple. "She's not you."

Brittany smiles sadly at her and wraps an arm around her shoulders. "And Sam wasn't you either, but that's okay. We don't need to try to replace each other, we're both still here." She squeezes Santana in her embrace, showing her just how here they still are. "And besides, that's never ever gonna happen. There is no other Santana Lopez in this world, not for me. But there was an Artie Abrams, and a Sam Evans, and maybe there will be someone else too, but they'll never be another you. They're just…"

"Temporary," Santana finishes her thought, and that's exactly it. She likes Dani, but she can never shake the feeling that what they have is fleeting. She somehow already knows it's not going to last. She never felt that way with Brittany. With Brittany, it always just feels inevitable.

"Everyone has lots of people in their lives, San, with different purposes," Brittany tells her, sharing some of that wisdom that not many people other than Santana get to hear. "Some come in and out, and some stay forever. Artie and Sam, they did what they needed to do and now they're gone. Puck, and _Quinn_ , apparently?" Santana gives her a sheepish look and Brittany decides to leave that conversation for another day. "They're gone, at least like that. And Dani just came - don't say 'wanky'." Santana swallows the word, smiling a little at just how well Brittany does know her. "She'll play her part and who knows how long she'll stay for. All I know is that I don't ever plan on leaving or letting you go. We're in different places _now_ , but we won't always be. We'll find our way back to each other, we always do."

Santana knows that. Somewhere inside of her, she knows that somewhere down the line, sometime soon, she hopes to God, that everything will click into place and she and Brittany can be together again. It'll happen, it's inevitable, it's just that she's always been a very impatient person. "And in the meantime?"

"We grow and learn, and meet new people that will help us grow and learn more," the blonde answers as best she can. She's not too sure about the meanwhile either, but she likes to think whatever is in store for them will be worth it in the end. "Maybe Dani can help you learn more about being a _real_ lesbian."

Santana groans and turns to bury her face in the crook of Brittany's neck. " _Britt_ ," she whines. "I said I was sorry."

"I know, I was just teasing," Brittany assures her, pressing her face against Santana's soft hair and letting out a laugh. "I do think she can help you, though. As much as it hasn't been easy for me, I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, not like she can." She waits for Santana to pull away from her so she can see her again. "Lima was a really small town, and even though there was a weirdly large number of gay guys there, you were the only out lesbian, and it was hard for you in a way I could never understand, no matter how much I tried. But now you're somewhere that's as big and as hot as you are, that will embrace every bit of gay that you are. So, date her or date some other girl, learn more about that part of you. And I'll date some nerds here, and then I don't know. I don't know what else happens in between, I just know that we end up together."

It's not the perfect plan, but right now, it'll do. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Brittany confirms with a resolute nod.

"How can you be so sure?" Santana asks, that little bit of doubt creeping into her voice. She believes, she does, but she's never been as big a believer as Brittany.

"I've been working on my time machine," Brittany answers simply, a smile in her voice as she shares her big secret with Santana, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "And let's just say, we've got nothing to worry about, babe."

* * *


End file.
